THE POSTMAN
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THE POSTMAN You ever notice how some people are the picture of sweet and innocence? I mean they are so sweet, its sickening, right? I really hate that kind of person, don't you? Seem here is the thing, momma said "If you are going to grow up and be something, do it to the best of your ability." So. I chose something that I knew I could be good at. I chose to be an asshole. I'm killing it.!! ENJOY THE JOKES A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had
only three legs.“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my
field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help.
He saved my life”.“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire.
That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?”
and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
After about 3 months of no human contact the city slicker sees a dust
cloud off in the distance. After a few hours the dust cloud gets closer and
it's a cowboy on horseback.Cowboy: Howdy! I'm your neighbor. I live on the next
farm over, which is just a day's ride away. And I've come here to invite you to a
welcoming party at my ranch.City: Well that's awfully nice of you, i'd really
appreciate that.Cowboy: Now I must warn you that there's gonna be a little drinking,
I hope that you're okay with that?
City: Well that'll be just fine I haven't had a drink in months.Cowboy: Alright, but i must warn ya, they may also be a little dirty dancing too. City: Shoot, that sounds great! Cowboy: Well, you know how party's can get, there might also be a little fucking. City: Hey, that sound fantastic! I can't wait!! Cowboy: You sure? Because it's just gonna be the two of us. A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager-looking group of men.
I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well wash your f#cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers.
Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he
would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal
route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So he pulls over and picks
the priest up. They have some small talk and the priest tells him he is going to
the city. So they get on their way when the Truck Driver See's a lawyer. His natural
reaction is to swerve and hit the Lawyer but as he does it he remembers the priest.
He swerves back , and looks back. There lying on the ground is the Lawyer. he
turns to the priest and says I just killed a man and I'm sorry. The priest says oh no,
don't worry I got him with the door.
A farmer’s son accidentally overturned his dad’s tractor one day. The farmer who
lived next to them so what had happened and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t
worry about it. Come over and have dinner with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up
right after.” “That’s really kind of you,” Joe replied, “but I don’t think dad would
like me to.” “Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally
agreed, and added, “but my dad won’t like it.” After a big dinner, Joe thanked the
neighbor for the nice meal and said, “I feel much better now, but I know my dad is
going to be really upset.” “Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile.
“By the way, where is he?” Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
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