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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
So, I am sitting at the breakfast table. you know
that morning drill...watch the war dept. munch her
toast while I sip my coffee. She has got that look
in her eye. You married guys all know it? The one that
says "oh oh, I am in trouble..."Anyways I knew she
had something to say....
"What???"
"Oh its nothing."
"When you say its nothing that means its something."
"Well, I just think you should step up your game plan
with the healthy living thing."
I groan heavily. She is right you know. But being
a stubborn man, I cannot admit that to her.
So I say...
"I have to eat a lot of cake. And I certainly cannot
do a lot of that excersize stuff."
"why?"
"Its obvious, when an evil clown tries to pull me
into the sewer and I won't fit. See, I will still
survive."
(Given the way she rolled her eyeballs at me,
you know how women do that, right?I am
guessing she didn't agree with my premise.)
ENJOY THE JOKES
“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me! You told me if I
have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
The year is 2252 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things.Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.Discussion ensues
and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
is extremely exciting to the woman.“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed
and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners
and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole
time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
A Girl's First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an
excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.He asks if you’re afraid
and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time
his finger has found the right place.He probes deeply and you shiver; your body
tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.He looks deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.His cool smile relaxes
you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin
to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you
as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue
give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood
as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your
eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins
going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of
you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells
you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning “I”,
pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand
saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips
out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs
down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!!
I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
when her clothes do not fit
on the couch
stay in a good mood
caught cheating
police warning
milk
show me
trying to steal my identity
and you thought
the cat in the hat
don't eat the hard bit
pee on the cat
sorting laundry
a work of art
a spare tire
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
Did you miss the great democratic debate?
Well, fortunately for you, here at the POSTMAN,
we did not...The postman provides an honest
evaluation of the debate for you....
ENJOY THE JOKES
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee
and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”
He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is.
You broke your finger.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor
came out of the
house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it,
then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail
box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me
a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
_______________________________________ Mother Mary tells Jesus to take a bath
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
“So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” –
says Seamus.“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” –
asks the doctor.“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a
woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including
her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted:
“HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.
Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
if you are going to fuck it up
won't stop talking
small minded hustlers
the home intruders
no place like home
bored sheep dog
anything you can do
a socialist
3 d stooges
voting rights
a fart sound
doing nothing
get your hand off
archeologists have discovered
this year at valentines...
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
So just a quick chat with you married guys. We are
all in this together right? Cuz I am sure yours has said it
to you too..."Honey, you need to get this done or that done," Right?
That dreaded :Honey do..." List. Do that do this, and
the list never seems to get less. But anyways,,,
No sense in replying, to her cuz no matter what you say, she
will say, "Well I told you to do that last week didn't I?"
And you know what? I was trying to think of a response
when the war department called me LAZY! I mean come on!
Can you believe that? I do not understand why she had to
get so graphic and mean. I mean, think about it.
lazy is just an ugly term...can't we call it
"selective participation"? Want to guess what her response
was to that question? Well, never mind.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A bride called to make a change to her wedding list. It is common, almost
expected, that a bride will change something on her list at least once
(dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her
that John Lewis would be happy to make the change.
He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.The bride said,
"No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
forbidden? A slice of chocolate covered cheesecake that goes right to my hips, that would be forbidden The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.
The doc examined him and backed away, saying,
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly
infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world." Said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other, "you have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
and to my gold digger wife I leave my pic and shovel
A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,
But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.
he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!
There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that
says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll
probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his
buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran
out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
got pulled over
sending in the military
the matrix
morning wood
dealing with a bully
you have to stop
most adults in the world
parking
student loans
lawnmower for sale
2 options
my spirit plant
don't wanna get up
does it hurt
1 out of 4
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
Wow, been almost a week since I got an issue of this
thing done. No health issues, just lazy, I guess. Some
of you, like my buddy Teddy, wondered if there was something
wrong. Well there is a lotta things wrong in this world.
But the postman running outta jokes? nahh not gonna happen.!
Great Valentines day? The war department and me did the
typical, dinner and a concert. Simple pleasures for a simple
life, right? Dinner at our favorite local fast food
Mexican joint cuz they had a burrito BOGO. And then she
took me to the symphony, of all things. Now that may be
surprising for a guy like me. Dunno if I am a redneck,
but I am pretty sure that my neck is a little sunburned.
The war dept. has taught me over the years that that it
is possible to have a little culture aside from that in
your cottage cheese or buttermilk.:)
ENJOY THE JOKES!
One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice.
The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares
she’s filing a sexual harassment suit.Come on, says the supervisor, what’s
wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?
He’s a f****n’ midget
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told
him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a
sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how
will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a
postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not
knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six
months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office
and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait
until I get home and I will explain it to you.” Later that evening, the doctor came
home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics
rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked
what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card
and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.
WHAT IS PROMOTION AND MARKETING?
"If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying "Circus
Coming to the Fairground Saturday," that's advertising.
If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk him into town, that's promotion.
If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed, that's publicity.
If you can get the mayor to laugh about it, that's public relations.
And if you planned the elephant's walk, that's marketing."
the first shot
what is he thinking
a guft
does it hurt
doesn't matter how cold it is
having a bad day
the door bell rings
yoga pants
my black cat
illegal dreamers
wind beneath my wings
I speak four languages
the sex is so good
judge others
an Amish girl
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
I have a great idea! I think I
am going to start another zine!
I just really love doing this stuff.
I think I will branch out and offer
cooking tips. what do you think?
ENJOY THE JOKES
I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you,
I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"
"Because I'm a prostitute."
10 Things Men Know
1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare
at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do,
for reasons not totally clear to them.
9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how
good his daughter is in bed.
10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to
a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential
house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce
three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the
nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to
believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and
passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls,
tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that
the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded
to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning,
the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.
One day when she came home from work she discovered that her
beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a
loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little
boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers
exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,
"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"
Then the boy said,
"No, but can that be my reward?"
my life goal
give him a fake number
went too far
didn't sleep well last night
forgot to bring your phone
same sex relationship problems
today's society
Canadian road trips
everyone thinks you are wrong
raised by vegans
a perfect time
are you free
sorry about the mess
finally home
one more
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
BREAKING NEWS:
In order to cover the costs of the impeachment trial,
the democrats are now offering the following funding:
Be sure to purchase your penholder today!
Enjoy the Jokes!
When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a
loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops
speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says
"Who sneezed?..."All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to
sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin
motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..."
he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of
troops on the ground."I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause,
and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can
finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General
Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."Stalin then stares cold and hard at the
soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans
towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
In my defense, toupee and teepee sound similar “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next
week.” Said my neighbor Mike.
Me: “No.” Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.” The next day the same discussion took place: Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?” Me: “No.” Mike: “He is the author of The 3 Musketeers. If you took night courses you
would know this.”
Mike: “No.” Me: “He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night classes you
would know this!”
you me the sunset what more could a person want? A blow job The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research
shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to
charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer
mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show
that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,
"Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative
began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising
in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated
United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
did you ever notice how things disappear?
like how bout inferiority complex? We do
not use those words anymore, its sortof a
left over from the 60s, right? Nobody wants
to be called inferior. Everything is supposed
to be "think positive" these days, right?
So you know the best way to do that?
First put a bumper sticker on your car that
says "Honk if you think I am sexy" Then, just
sit at all the green lights! You will feel
better about yourself in no time!
ENJOY THE JOKES
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its
appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you
ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is
all it takes," he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am,
have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes," she
said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared
they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and
she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor
held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God,"
she exclaimed, "at least it doesn't bark!"
A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray.
He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the
process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.He had a loyal
lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect
Walter's work too much.Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female
companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned
to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep
them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.The lab
assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was
trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the
lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.
As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray.
There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared ---
the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
"What's the big idea? Eek!"One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the
floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment
was ruined.This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already
knows: ... you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know,
since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried
everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.The second Pastor
then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've
set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized
all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks
for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders
and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the
bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk
comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes
in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?"
replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
It's a baby camel goes to see his mother and asks her "Mom, why do we have a lump
on the back?" She replies "It is to be able to store the water for more time my darling."
The baby camel then asks "Ah, and why do we have hooves?" "It's to be able to pass
the hardest paths my darling." the mother replies "And why do we have big eyelids?"
asks the baby. "It's to prevent the sand from entering our eyes darling." replies the
mother "Oh, Ok" and the baby looks around him and turns to his mother: "But then
Mom, what are we doing in San Diego Zoo?"
if your palm itches
no breakfast
keep private
eat booty
the grass is greener
your bad day
can I ask you something
nurse
trying to sleep
tax
family reunion
the LSD wears off
real value
a decision was made
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THE POSTMAN
POSTMAN
So far my dieting resolutions for 2020 have worked out
about as well as 2019. Probably I will not have
to rush out and buy new skinny jeans anytime soon.
I think its a balancing issue. See, I have been
trying to eat more salad, I really have. But then
I fall over, and my salad lands in the garbage and
it gets all this pizza on it. So my salad is all
covered with pizza. Yeah, that's it. Well ok,
I told my trainer that too, and he did not believe it
either.
ENJOY THE JOKES
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put
up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this
was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.Joe wrote, "The office workers
should all be given raises!"When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all
have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and
new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra
three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus
Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of
getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury
acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the
hearing."Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested
for?""Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
went and took the car I stole.
A teacher says to her class one day,
"Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."
A traffic cop sees a car zooming past with 12 penguins in the back seat.
He pulls the car over.
"What do you plan to do with these penguins?" the officer asks.
"I don't know," the driver replies.
"I suggest you take them to the zoo right now," the officer said.
"I'll do that right now," the driver replied.
But the next day, same place, same time, the officer sees the same car
zoom past with 12 penguins in the back seat. He pulls the vehicle over and yells,
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The driver, confused, stumbles back,
"I... I... I did officer... and today we're going to the movies!"
vegetarians
good for wasps
just because I'm smiling
my husband asked me
thank god
act my age
life starts going well
If I water it
chill in the fridge
he is the one
a homicide detective
having a heart attack
look straight
a fake number
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
So Turk the dog, aka Carlos the rat, has his own mind.
And he also has a "look" very similar to the war dept.
Seems that he has never caught on to the idea of barking
when he needs to go out. You know, that mutt will bark at
everything. Snowflakes, leaves, squirrels ...u name it. But
bark to let us know he needs out? NAHHH! What that dog
does is he stands at the door and gives you a patient
look. He may not always get the right door to the outside.
It may be the upstairs door, or the bathroom door etc. Right?
So the other day he is standing there in front of the closet
door, the look on his face saying, "Come on fat man, you know
what I need here." So just for chits and giggles, I open
the closet door. He looks, and then he looks back at me
with that look that says, "Old man, you're an A**hole,
you know that?"
I have come to the conclusion that reading the expressions
on my dog's face and the face of the war dept. are probably
very similar.
ENJOY THE JOKES
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage
counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right
away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they
planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed
that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to
use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you
keep a good record. He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I
plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as
you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning
on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again
told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific
date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the
two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well the counselor
asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she
used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am,
going to have a baby. He asked the second city gal what method she used and she
replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. He turns to the farm
gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer
method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.She replied, "Well we make
love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail
turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch
his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".
"May I have some stationery?" a man asked the hotel clerk.
"Are you a guest of the hotel?" asked the clerk.
"No, I'm paying sixty dollars a day," said the man.
The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning.
The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats
and black hats entered through the rear of the church.One of the two men walked to the
middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then
reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.The one in the middle announced,
"EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"Naturally, the
pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir
director and the assistant pastor.After a few moments, there were about 20 people
left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.The men put their
weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone
now. You may begin the service."
waiting for my wife
like to join
at work
fool around
zoned out
sexually active
during an argument
redneck word of the day
life hack
do you drink
poop in the house
w2's are out
calling in sick
prostrate exam
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
Anybody watching the impeachment trials in the afternoon? I
must confess that it is not my first choice for afternoon tv
programming choices. I doubt that the outcome will be that
surprising. The dems will all vote guilty. The GOP will all
vote not guilty. For the most part, life will not really
change much for the little guy, like me, right? The outcome
really don't matter. You know, I do sorta wish that both parties
would spend as much effort on solving our nation's problems
as they are on the impeachment. The worst part of the
impeachment proceedings? It blocks my favorite afternoon
tv show :(
ENJOY THE JOKES
North America, few hundred years ago. An Indian is sitting, smokes a pipe.
Breathes in, breathes out. His son comes up to him:
- Daddy, I have a question
- Well, what is it?
- Why do we have such long names? Yankees, for example, have much
shorter ones -
John, Simon, Nicolas and similar.
- Our names come from nature. When your mother was born, there was a wonderful dew,
so that is why she is called Fresh Dew. When your sister was born, there was a brilliant
sunset. So that why she got the name Red Sunset. So, do you have any more
questions, F***ing Bison?
What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Little Christine ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
"What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother.
"My doll!
Bobby broke it!" she sobbed.
"How did he break it, Christine?"
"I hit him over the head with it."
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough.
Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him,
"That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."
When I met April, I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
"No."
"Good. Lie down. I wanna talk to you."
dropped it
bacon
the English dictionary
coffee is good
duct tape
dynamite
dumping you
drop the gun
everything will kill you
drug sniffing
up till four with the baby
snow
freshly cleaned house
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
I decided to try the Japanese method of uncluttering
my life. You may have heard of that:
getting rid of all the items in your life that
do not bring you joy? Well, so far, I have thrown
away my treadmill, vegetables, scales, a mirror,
the doctor, and the electric bill.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a
seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or
half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was
learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water.
Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his
family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing
an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were
to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This
Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be
a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes
back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later
he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be
very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
A certain college professor was known for getting off topic during lectures His favorite off-topic subject
was "the evils of marijuana". One day into his lecture he started talking about weed, "Used regularly," he
explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" Now wait a minute,
professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!" "Yes young man, it's sadly true,"
replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires
up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch
your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man
opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks,
"Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have
some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says,
"It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
very few people know
the neighbor tells me
play doctor
making a run for it
looks like you are pregnant
free wifi
I didn't see you
breaking news
is it working
run outdoors
when you arrive in hell
a youtube tutorial
how to ride a bike
if animals took selfies
don't forget
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
In third grade science class they taught us all
about what the world was. How it was made up.
They taught us so much stuff it made my head swim.
They taught us about molecules. You know, theres
protons. Theres electrons, etc. You know what tho?
They forgot to tell me this world was full of
Morons!
ENJOY THE JOKES
BREAKING NEWS There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other.
One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in
medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter'
questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted,"
the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the
university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions
about first aid and I got them all wrong but one." "Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady
which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.
He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so
he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.
After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.
He kept repeating his round over dinner.
The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.
The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets
startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy and threw it up in
the air!"
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk
each evening. It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used
to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.
So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.
To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house
around the corner and began to scratch at the door. A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."
Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a
dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual. ]
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's
hands, the boy say's, "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea
you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa
finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose.
And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful
wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages
with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger
from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"Papa drew close to
Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you
may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea
the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,
'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "
bacon or email
scary outside
the magician
I've been hiding
don't just stand there
who wore it better
hoarders
lemons
a daddy
are you ok
my way of thinking
the wizard of oz
they are supposed to be moving
human resources
sharpies
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN You ever notice how some people are the picture of sweet and innocence? I mean they are so sweet, its sickening, right? I really hate that kind of person, don't you? Seem here is the thing, momma said "If you are going to grow up and be something, do it to the best of your ability." So. I chose something that I knew I could be good at. I chose to be an asshole. I'm killing it.!! ENJOY THE JOKES A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had
only three legs.“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my
field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help.
He saved my life”.“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire.
That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?”
and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
After about 3 months of no human contact the city slicker sees a dust
cloud off in the distance. After a few hours the dust cloud gets closer and
it's a cowboy on horseback.Cowboy: Howdy! I'm your neighbor. I live on the next
farm over, which is just a day's ride away. And I've come here to invite you to a
welcoming party at my ranch.City: Well that's awfully nice of you, i'd really
appreciate that.Cowboy: Now I must warn you that there's gonna be a little drinking,
I hope that you're okay with that?
City: Well that'll be just fine I haven't had a drink in months.Cowboy: Alright, but i must warn ya, they may also be a little dirty dancing too. City: Shoot, that sounds great! Cowboy: Well, you know how party's can get, there might also be a little fucking. City: Hey, that sound fantastic! I can't wait!! Cowboy: You sure? Because it's just gonna be the two of us. A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager-looking group of men.
I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well wash your f#cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers.
Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he
would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal
route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So he pulls over and picks
the priest up. They have some small talk and the priest tells him he is going to
the city. So they get on their way when the Truck Driver See's a lawyer. His natural
reaction is to swerve and hit the Lawyer but as he does it he remembers the priest.
He swerves back , and looks back. There lying on the ground is the Lawyer. he
turns to the priest and says I just killed a man and I'm sorry. The priest says oh no,
don't worry I got him with the door.
A farmer’s son accidentally overturned his dad’s tractor one day. The farmer who
lived next to them so what had happened and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t
worry about it. Come over and have dinner with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up
right after.” “That’s really kind of you,” Joe replied, “but I don’t think dad would
like me to.” “Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally
agreed, and added, “but my dad won’t like it.” After a big dinner, Joe thanked the
neighbor for the nice meal and said, “I feel much better now, but I know my dad is
going to be really upset.” “Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile.
“By the way, where is he?” Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
vegan http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0076.html no underwear http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0077.html never seen before http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0078.html present at the birth http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0079.html a superhero http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0090.html all in http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0091.html a surgeon http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0092.html crunch crunch crunch http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0093.html just once http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0094.html you're single http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp05/pm0095.html |
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
people poke a lot of fun at tech support.
it does not take long surfing the net for humor,
and you find tech support humor.
But you know what? tech support tells you
turn off the computer and shut it down, and then
start it back up again to solve an enormous amount
of computer problems, right? But you know the
human version is the same thing. Go to bed and
maybe you will feel better when you
wake up in the morning. same thing.
ENJOY THE JOKES
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just
hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties,
was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores. Abby, who was sitting
on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this...
Well, let me be frank". Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling... Let me be Frank".
There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father
was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator.
He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.
He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.
So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.
So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.
All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"
So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".
There were 4 men, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small
genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had
released him out of the bottle, he said, 'Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each
of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jumped, you must shout what you want the
pool of water to become, the your wish will come true.' The French wanted to start. He run
towards the pool, jumped and shouted 'WINE'. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn,
he did the same and shouted, 'VODKA' and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, 'BEER'. He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and cursed, 'SHIT!'
I take the bus
your profile
back in my day
when you talk to your wife
without life alert
its funny
James Bond
dating is like a job interview
the woodpecker
Bats
super drunk
some days you eat salad
a night with a cougar
on top
sleep for 2 hours
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
You know, as you get older, you learn things. Right?
Funny thing. some you have learned are good, Some not so good.
Thing I have learned as I get older?
It is important to enjoy your 20s and 30s, because your check
engine lite comes on in your 40s and 50s and every thing is pretty
much fucked up after that.
ENJOY THE JOKES
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe,
and a fish nobody can find.
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment,
but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like
that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what
happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit.
In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Standing beside a valiant stallion, Amanda Bynes decides she must ride
this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she
finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself
euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent
animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of
her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a
dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of
the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden......... Victor, the
Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news
and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and
replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've
created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you
to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be
very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to
conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and
wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based
in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having
the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that?
We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I
should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the
correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked,
'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager
replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.''
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced:
about 30 minutes outbound from LA, 'I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.' When the passengers' muttering
had died down, she continued, 'Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so
someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.' Her next
announcement came an hour later. 'If anyone wants to change his mind,
we still have 29 dinners available!'
according to statistics
don't trust your wife
vegans
when life gives you lemons
a male prostitute
does it piss you off
if you had not declawed me
Taco Bell
my spirit plant
don't wanna get up
so what did you do this weekend
am I gonna make it
wearing something sexy
step on the lego
stop trying
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
BREAKING NEWS:
So did you hear? Nancy Pelosi delivered the articles
of impeachment for Donald Trump to the Congressional
Senate this afternoon!!
ENJOY THE JOKES
A guy lies on bed, reads a book.
His girlfriend comes from behind and starts clapping on his ass. Guy:
- What are you doing?
- Playing percussion. -
- Would you like to play the flute?
Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up, unless you're in prison...
To make it stand u wet it. To make it wet, u suck it. To make it stuff, u lick it.
To get it in, u push it!
Damn! Treading a needle at any age is no joke!
I feel sorry for the hypnostist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys,
then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled 'FUCK ME'
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Guy 1 What's wrong bro?
Guy 2: My GF jacked me off under the dinner table in front of her family.
Guy 1 Dude that's awesome
Guy 2: Ya but table was glass
When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome.
When 2 people have sex, it's called a twosome.
Now i understand why they call you handsome
Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:
- Your name, Sir.
- Bakshish Abdul
- Sex
- Three times a day...
- I mean male or female?
- Doesn't matter...
finally free
up early in the morning
more attractive
crazy
in the year 1900
friend with benefits
automated
in the back seat
female archeologists
during my trial
when you are single
would you like to donate
happiness
I may not
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
This year my trainer suggested that I
try to avoid anything that makes me fat.
So I had a week or two off for the holidays.
Finally I showed up to get back down
to business at the gym. "So hows that going
for you.Are you doing what I suggested?"
"Oh, avoiding whatever makes me fat? Yeah
I figure that includes mirrors, scales and
pictures. Is there anything else I am missing?"
He just shook his head, and you know he really
didn't answer my question.
go figger
ENJOY THE JOKES
The wife of an athlete named Chuck
Found her married life shit out of luck.
Her husband played hockey
Without wearing a jockey
Now he hasn't got what it takes to fuck!
Why cucumbers are better than men
1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...
and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ...
you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the
movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
A couple had been split up for about six months, but still remained good friends.
This worked out pretty good since they lived in the same apartment building.
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.
He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."
Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
hate the cold
Jack and Jill
what are those things
eat my Reeses
learning how to behave
take a moment
a lizard
normal
Facebook
drunk and disorderly
Buckwheat
a movie
you ask your cellmate
go on feel me
outta here
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
So a big shout out to my long time bud, Joe. He has been reading.
this page like forever, and I hope things work out ok for you Joe! He is
having a rough time lately. Personally. I Just got home this
morning myself from having a "sleep study" They are trying
to figure out what changes they can make on my cpap machine to make
life be a little better for me That would be great. I am a little tired because
those things are ironically difficult for sleep. When you do a "study" like
that, they have like 14 thousand wires belts and etc hanging off you and
then want you to fall asleep. Yeah right. But that is ok, I can hybernate
nicely this weekend as we are bracing for a huge winter storm.
Wonderful huh?
ENJOY THE JOKES!!
One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test.
Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they'd be able to
have a discussion about him using the family car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
"You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we'll talk
about the car.'The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they came
to an agreement.After about six weeks, his father said: "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't cut your hair yet."
The boy said: "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair - and there's
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!"
The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son:
"Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"
The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a full-stop at
the end of their sentences.
I guess, she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.
You should treat your woman the way you treat your Hoover
When it stops sucking, change the bag.
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.
In the process, the condom slipped off.
The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."
sniffer dog
custody
new computer
if Tuesday were a movie
LSD
play dead
watch out for signs
the only thing
my photo
stop embarrasing me
it won't die
the computer store
trained him well
101 headache cures
wouldn't it be nice
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
So we are sitting at the breakfast table and
the war department is talking about all the stuff
she "has to do today."
As she munches on her toast and peanut butter:
"I have to give Turk the dog aka Carlos the rat a
bath today. I need to change the sheets upstairs. I
gotta...." And I listen,sipping my coffee as she rambles on.
Finally after a slight pause. she says,
"So what are your plans today Martin?"
My son, sitting quietly this whole time, listening, his eyeballs
get big and he says, "I know what dad is doing, same thing as
yesterday. He is getting older n fatter."
The war department turned to my son and said, "Don't forget
greyer." Sigh, you know, sometimes the
problem with your family is that they are so brutally honest.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid
under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she
could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walking
towards the dresser and pick up the note… After a few minutes he wrote something on it
before picking up the phone and calling someone.... “She's finally gone. Yeah I know,
about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...
can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like”. He hung up, grabbed his
keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with
rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet.
We're outta bread. Back in 5 minutes."
A Canadian guy, a Greek guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all
have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The Greek guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4
beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the
Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could
form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped.
I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle
Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one
more and I would have a golf course!".
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at
another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne
to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle
and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne
and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so
you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even
for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
A Blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" A blonde walked
into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The
blonde said. "This chair has arms" A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and
while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices
the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?" A
blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The
redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies,
"How do you give shoulders?"
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife
wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other
with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that
she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
waking up
the collar
just a girl
my therapist
a Floridian
take that criminals
your girlfriend
at the bar
whats all the screaming about
callin em names
losin my mind
a mound of dirt
you get in the car
doing it wrong
never fought in 25 years
wife hits her husband
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THE POSTMAN
THE POSTMAN
These days, everything has blue tooth. So you gotta have a "smart one".
First it was smart tvs, right? Did you know they have smart refrigerators
now? A fridge w blue tooth. You are at the store...Do I need that?
It will tell you how many eggs you got at home. Now, I am not a real
high tech kind of guy.I am still marveling
at the smart tv thing. The way I figure,
a real smart tv would turn up the volume when you are eating
potato chips.
ENJOY THE JOKES
Korea responds to Trump's drone strike
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to
give up half your sex life.
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the
thinking?"
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!"
Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!"
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more
unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up
pregnant.Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to
wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until
the birth.And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed
down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the
cries of the newborn child.After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with
the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for
food or shelter.Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other
options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in
the pre-dawn hours.She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.At sunrise, the
Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly
looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful
look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while
drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says
"Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks
back to town.The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends
up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says
"I'll walk." And she does.The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five
miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his
clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her
why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She
answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles.
But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."
constipated
the next level
president Trump says
air freshener
in April
in that case
walk down the aisl
the guy next to me
on the first of January
masturbating
are you looking
telling me not to
both were too small
back in my day
wanna go clubbing tonight
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